She's With Me

Only one time before, when I read Welcome to Holland, have I come across something that so perfectly expresses my emotions about being Chloe's mom....

She’s with me
I proudly tell the maitre de as we arrive
He seems surprised
In a clumsy moment as he looks for room, for her blessed chair
A table stares, and their eyes show only pity
As they try to sympathize
Oh, how difficult that must be, look away
Day after day, they’ll never see, the joy you bring
Only happy at the times I know that she’s with me

I wear it like a badge of honor at the mall
I hear her call, the only way that she is able with a cry
Time to go bye bye, she can’t say why
Maybe tired, maybe hurting, god I wish that I could tell
Do I ever make her happy for awhile
To see her smile, makes my week,
Though she can’t speak,
She let’s me know she feels my love when she’s with me

I know just what heaven looks like when I see that perfect face
For no other mortal heart could be so fair
I myself so weak and weary, so imperfect as a man
How could I be the one you chose to care for our girl
Never done a single deed to earn the right to share her light
Though it’s such a painful road we walk each day
Lord you have your ways, this I pray
On the day I stand before you, she’ll stand right by my side
When you look upon me, head hung down in shame
I’ll feel the blame, she’ll look at me,
And then she’ll speak, in that precious voice
Don’t worry ‘bout him my Lord, cuz you see,
He’s with me

Here's a little background about the song:

Jack-O-Lantern

Well the good news is we figured out how to get Chloe to sleep like a rock through the night. After crying her head off after "the incident," before we could even clean her up, she slept without hardly moving all through the night. We would move her, she got vital signs done... she just slept away.



Not that we're gonna throw her on the ground every night, but try to get her really riled up, preferably by laughing, right before it's time for bed, and hopefully she'll sleep soundly all through the night like she did last night....


I made a decision pretty early this morning. My decision went along these lines:


With that in mind, I could only laugh at these pictures. She looks so pathetic:


A dentist came to make sure everything was okay with her other teeth. We especially wanted to make sure the adult tooth wasn't damaged in any way. He said the tooth to the left may have some nerve damage and may discolor, but everything else should be just fine.


When I first heard that there was nothing we could do for her tooth, the first thought that came to mind was how mad my mom and Oby's dad were going to be when they found out. They're just extra protective of their little Chloe. But my mom was understanding and Oby's dad told me he thought she looked like a little jack-o-lantern for Halloween. LOL. So true! We decided to run with the Jack-o-Lantern theme. I had already brought the jack-o-lantern headband to the hospital with us for her to wear today. Here's her entire outfit:



Ya gotta see the tights and shoes up close. SOooooo cute:


She does look like a Jack-o-Lantern, don't you think?....


A jack-o-lantern with a really fat lip and a tube coming out of its nose. LOL.

Let it Be

Life happens quickly.

Accidents happen even more quickly.

Chloe was being really fussy after having the pH probe tube placed. We paced the room for several hours, and finally I had to get out and try something new. So we were walking up and down the hallways of the entire hospital, and I would stop at each artwork piece and show Chloe. You'd be surprised if you do that how many wall hangings there are in a children's hospital. We did it for at least an hour and a half. Finally she seemed to be getting sleepy and was no longer fussy. We started making our way back to our room, and I decided to stop at a bathroom to take care of some business.

I put Chloe on the changing table and tinkled away while Chloe kicked away. She was kicking hard enough to make the table wiggle and this made her happy and giggly, which made me happy. Not giggly, just happy.

(I hadn't done up the straps.)

She kicked down enough that her knees caught the end of the changing table, causing her to propel forward. It was one of those things that happened in a fraction of a second, but also felt like slow motion.

She landed on her face.

I picked up her front tooth that landed on the floor (root and all), and ran back to our room (which is in the Rapid Treatment Unit, which is basically an ER).

A quick assessment showed that her lip was okay. Her nose was okay. Her head was okay. She was okay. She is going to be okay. She fell sound asleep about 20 minutes after it happened.

But the tooth. The root came out and they conferred with a dentist, who thinks it could possibly damage the adult tooth if we try to put the baby tooth back in. I may get a 2nd opinion on that, but for now that's the status. So she's going to be missing a tooth until her adult tooth comes in, which is quite a few years.

Every time she smiles, it will be a reminder to me that I didn't do up those damn straps.

I kept telling myself not to cry and not to make this about myself, but after Chloe went to sleep, I had talked to the doctors, and I was in the room looking at her and thinking about how her smile is going to be different from now on, I had a pity party, a mini-meltdown. I was embarrassed to tell Oby what happened. He, of course, was wonderful and told me that I'm a wonderful mother and that it doesn't matter. But I just wanted to go find the tallest point on the building and fling myself off of it.

I didn't want to admit to anyone what had happened, that this was 100% my fault and 100% preventable. But I decided that I needed to accept it and move on. And for me, the best way to do that is to put it out there, a confession for the world to see.

So there it is. The ugly truth.

At the moment, I don't feel like I'm a bad mother. I know that I do the best I can for Chloe. In fact, two other times today when I had to tinkle (hey, gimme a break -- I drank a LOT of Mountain Dew today to help me stay awake after being up all last night), so anyway when I used the bathroom before, I laid Chloe on the hospital bed, and made sure the side rails were up. Even though she doesn't roll, I wanted to make sure that she wouldn't fall if she did decide to roll. When I placed her on that changing table, I looked at the straps. I thought about the straps. but the changing table was literally arm's distance from where I was, so I thought it would be okay. I was wrong, and I guess I just have to deal with that fact.

I can't take it back. Holding onto regret would just be wasted energy. And if I let it affect my self-esteem as a mother, it won't make me a better mother going forward. It will make everything be about me, and that's not how it's supposed to be. So I have to pick up my wounded spirits and be ready for what's next.

I also have to keep things in perspective. Really. She's okay. It's okay.

I will also need to re-read this post about a million times until her adult tooth does come in so I can remember that I just need to let it be.......

***UPDATE***

I put this on Facebook and one of my friends said that her daughter lost a tooth last month. So I looked on her photos to see pictures of her daughter with a missing front tooth. It totally made me feel better. Not only does her daughter (princess in blue) look adorable, but check her out at her pre-school Halloween party... One of her friends also has a missing front tooth, and they're both adorable! I think it just adds character:


Now I might be able to fall asleep.

This happens to other little girls. This happens to other moms. It's okay.

Before & After

I'm sure you guys are sick of hearing about poor pitiful me and my lack of sleep. But, seriously, two and a half years of severe sleep deprivation changes a person:


I think we can all agree that something has to be done.

Even if it means torturing my child, which unfortunately we've been doing at the hospital today.

She started out in such a good mood too:


And then they stuck the tube down her nose, into her stomach, and then she was ticked:



She got some xrays:


And now we've made amends.


Hopefully the pH probe and impedance study will give us some answers so we can at least be pointed in a better direction to correct these sleeping issues. I'm starting to scare small children, and once Halloween is over tomorrow, that won't be a good thing. Yikes!

"When I Grow Up"

When I was a little girl and people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always answer, "A teacher who drives a Ferrari."

This month, half of my childhood plans have come to fruition. I've become a teacher!

A digital scrap booking teacher.....


I've been teaching two classes, one in SLC and one in Syracuse. It has been so much fun! I've loved watching everyone become addicted like I am. Tonight was the last class in SLC. I'll miss seeing these ladies every week (sniff)....


Now. About that Ferrari....

So Cute It's Scary

Chloe is turning into quite the little ham for a camera, wouldn't you say?

Don't Touch the Tomatoes!

This past Saturday, we had our annual Halloween party for the Bennett & Taylor families! Of course all the kiddos were decked out in their costumes:



Chloe has been letting people hold her lately. I love it and so does everyone else, especially Grandpa Phil:



As per our usual tradition, there was a spook alley. Everyone loves it, but Nana loves it the most. She LOVES scaring little children and making them have nightmares:


You think I'm kidding, but look what she cooked up this year. This was the freaky grand finale of the spook alley: Uncle Matt was in the mask that's usually peaking out the attic window, was in the garden with a 'dead man on a stake' saying, "Keep away from my tomatoes! This man touched my tomatoes, and look what happened to him!" YIKES!:



The spook alley stars were Matt, Oby, Dallas, Jamie & Tatum:


And here's my fam. We all had masks of some sort, but obviously we aren't really into wearing them. My double chin is killin me and I don't want to share this picture, but my mom keeps nagging at me that I need to have more pictures of myself so Chloe will remember that I was with her. I doubt Chloe will want to remember how fat I was, but here's the picture anyway:




I LOVE Halloween! It's the holiday season kick-off, and I start getting so excited for all the fun traditions that are about to come our way! What a wonderful life!

The Other Food Group

In the past 10 days, Chloe and I have had 2 decent nights of sleep. On the bad nights, she sleeps 1-3 hours. That is just insufficient zzzz's. It was once said to me that sleep is like another food group: you need it to survive. Boy, is that the truth! We're both barely functioning, let alone getting anything extra done (or laundry, or cleaning for that matter)!

Needless to say, I'm grateful we were able to meet with a sleep disorders specialist today. I'm desperate. I need all the input and suggestions I can get to resolve this issue. Chloe's lack of sleep is starting to control our lives, and we've just got to regain control.

So here's the long and short of it. He went over a 21-page report that broke down, analyzed, and made recommendations according to Chloe's sleep study. I'll try to explain it (as much as I understand it, that is)....

Chloe has sleep apnea. This appears to be due to a mild obstruction. They don't believe that the obstruction is her tonsils/adenoids, and have ruled out a tonsilectomy for now. They believe the obstruction is caused by her poor swallowing abilities, and she actually chokes on the secretions that build up in the back of her throat.

It is believed that she has reflux. Not necessarily acid reflux, but just regular reflux. Basically, because her body has low tone, all of her muscles function poorly, including her stomach and intestinal muscles. Therefore, pressure builds up when the body doesn't push things down. The pressure has to go somewhere, so it comes up. This can cause a lot of discomfort and pressure in her throat area, and will cause her to wake up.

They believe Chloe has severe anxiety. The primary indicator of her anxiety is the fact that she grinds her teeth throughout the night. Today I learned that tooth grinding is actually a primary indicator of underlying anxiety, especially for children who aren't able to communicate. They feel fear/anxiety, don't know how to express it, sometimes try to repress it, but the anxiety causes tension to build in the facial muscles, and they release that pressure by grinding their teeth.

There is also a theory that because Chloe is 2, and seems to be progressing along a somewhat normal cognitive pattern, they believe there is possibly some sort of 'imagination' going on when she wakes up during normal sleeping cycles. It's possible her imagination gets going, as normal 2-year-old imaginations do, causing her to cry. Since she's non-communicative, it's that much more difficult to soothe her because I don't know what the fear is.

It also stands to reason that since Chloe spends a great majority of the day being held, then falls asleep being held, that when she wakes up all by herself and isn't being held, then add on top of that her inability to move/control her body and her inability to speak, that she will experience anxiety.



Okay, so three issues. Three solutions.



To help with the obstructive sleep apnea, we are going to reduce salivations with Sal-Tropine. I'm not a fan of just adding prescriptions every time we turn around. I've actually been looking into a lot of natural remedies, and hoping to use fewer prescriptions. But like I said, we're desperate, so I'm willing to try this for at least awhile.

To deal with the reflux issues, we are going to do two studies: pH probe & impedance probe. Each test is a 24-hour evaluation of activity in the esophagus. One monitors the pH, and the other monitors subtle changes (muscle movement & air flow) in the esophagus. Our neurologist is trying to get the pH probe scheduled in two weeks. We have to see a GI specialist to get a referral for the impedance probe. These studies will help determine how severe the reflux is, and recommendations will be made accordingly. My understanding is that the typical response to severe reflux is placement of a nissin.

To deal with Chloe's anxiety, we're going to tweak her routines and try a new seizure medication, Klonopin. We need to try to change her expectations about nighttime and reactions to not being held, bedtime and sleep. We're going to see a behavioral specialist for some help with that. Basically, we've got to get her to start falling asleep by herself, and to learn that she is okay by herself in her bed. We're also going to confer with her Rehab & Neuro specialists about switching her seizure medication from Topamax to Klonopin. Klonopin helps control seizures, but also has some sedative properties as well as aids with anxiety. Chloe is currently on Seroquel as well, which is an anti-psychotic medication, and Klonopin may be able to replace that, which would make me happy. My research of Seroquel makes me want to scream, but when Chloe doesn't take it, believe it or not, our nighttime is about ten times worse.

So that's that. Pretty boring info, but it's easier for me to type things on here, than to explain them to the 200 people who want the full scoop. Maybe I should read this post to Chloe.... that should help her sleep for sure! I almost fell asleep just writing it! ;O)


So to end on a lighter note, here are a couple pictures we took of Chloe tonight. After our little family date, we stopped at Sportsman's Warehouse so Oby could look at some guns, even though he doesn't hunt. I dunno. Anyway, Chloe and I entertained ourselves by trying on different hats. There are surprisingly a large number of different and funny hats in this type of store. I didn't take any pix of all the hats I tried on to make Chloe laugh, but I'm sure you can only imagine. Here are the pix of Chloe.

First up, she's in a camo ball cap with lace along the top of the rim. It has a picture of a deer and says 'lil deer' in pink. Cute:



And here she is in a fox cap:


I'm really living up to the TMI title tonight. Sorry!

A Touching Gift

Today we met the latest members of Chloe's Fan Club. These four people are part of the county's agumentative team. They provide services for children in the school district to learn to use communication devices. They do this on a volunteer basis. Amazing....

They brought Chloe a computer, a touch screen, and over 100 interactive programs for preschool age learning. Chloe has used a touch screen once before, and she did so well that I have been trying to get one ever since. Today all my efforts finally paid off! It's all about knowing the right people who know the right people. Chloe's OT Sarah has worked with this team a lot in the past, was able to put in a good word for Chloe, and voila!.....


Check her out, using her right hand to pop bubble wrap on the screen!.....


This is another one of those times when "Thank you," just doesn't seem like enough, but it's all I can give. I can only imagine how much this will help Chloe with her fine motor skills, decision-making skills, and many other things. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

Let's Squish Our Fruit Together!

This is for my SIL Taylor who just admitted to me how much she loves a cappella and musical-type songs (hence our shared love for GLEE).....



Anyway, how hilarious is this.........

Don't You Just Love the Harp?!

I've always had an infatuation for the harp. Its sound is so lovely, don't you think? This song is a little 'odd' but I personally love it and think it just goes with the feeling of fall....

Dreams Do Come True

I can't believe I'm going to go "there," but I decided, what the heck. The blog's called TMI, so you have to know I'm going to go "there" on occasion. Going "there" just means I'm going somewhere uncomfortable and possibly inappropriate.

Today's "there" is: an ex-boyfriend.

I know. Gag. Who cares? Well, when his face headlines the local news, as his did last night, it gets you thinking. And because the outcome of that relationship was such a pivotal time in my life, when I got thinking about it, I thought a LOT. And when I think, I blog. It's just what I do. So here we are.

Bear with me as I share this story. There is joy, there are castles, there is darkness, there are angels, there is heartbreak, there is blood, there are police officers.... but I promise I will get to the point, so be patient.

So let's start the story 'back in the day.'

Picture it. 2002. I was "in between boyfriends" as I liked to call it. A long-term relationship had just ended, leaving me pretty sad and lonely. Never one to give up on my dreams, though, I trudged through the pain and tried to keep myself open to a future with someone else. Then one day at a church function for singles, a dark, tall, dapper man came up to me. He was rather charming and quite persistent.



An attorney, a man of God who went to church, had served a mission, loved his family, had delightful friends, and he seemed to truly adore me. He was sweet, thoughtful, fun. He made me very happy and I actually glowed....



He had a boat and a vacation home in Vegas. We were always going on little getaways with friends and family. We took Bible classes together (cheesy, yet true). We stayed up laughing and talking. We golfed, played tennis, rode bikes..... we were kind of like the Double Mint Twins.



There were no red flags.....

Except one. My ex-boyfriend, the one at the beginning of this story who had just dashed my heart, yeah him, he had a problem with the relationship. It turned out that my ex-boyfriend had been roommates in college with the new boyfriend, and they didn't get along. Ex-boyfriend went on and on about what a scumbag new boyfriend was and how he just wasn't the one for me.

Um, obviously that red flag didn't hold much merit.

And so the relationship continued to progress with new boyfriend. I flew to Texas to meet his family. He spent time with my family. We were almost never apart. After awhile, we talked about getting married and even picked out a home where we would live when we were married. It was a nice home, don't get me wrong, but I built it up in my mind to be larger than life, kind of like this:


Then one night after a romantic date, we just popped in to a fancy jeweler and picked out a few rings. They were lovely rings if I remember correctly, but at the time, in my mind, they looked a lot like this:



That night after picking out my lovely ring, I just felt so elated and peaceful about my future. I had already made my decision, but decided to run it by my Heavenly Father. I said a prayer explaining the decision I had made and asking for direction and guidance as I went forward with this decision. Expecting full approval from the powers that be, I snuggled up in my bed filled with as much joy and happiness as I had yet experienced.

After that prayer, I went to sleep, and I dreamed. In my dream, I flashed forward to my life as a wife to this man. We lived in the Cinderella castle, I had the giant ring, I was bouncing a baby on my hip, and I got a phone call. It was my husband's partner asking me to come pick him up from the office because he was drunk again. I packed up my child, picked up my drunk husband, and brought him home. I sat in our bedroom and watched him wake up with a hangover. I asked if he had ever cheated on me and he said that he had.

When I woke up from this dream, there was a dark -- BLACK -- feeling surrounded me. I wrestled with the darkness, until I realized that the dream was an answer to my prayer. As soon as I accepted that and knew that I had to immediately put an end to the relationship, the dark feeling was replaced with warmth and love and light.

It didn't seem logical. Surely he didn't drink and philander. Of course he wouldn't go against his religion and deceive me like that. He was perfect. But the spiritual feelings I had surpassed all logic. And so I went to this person, who had never said an unkind thing to me, handed him a few of his belongings, said that I could no longer have a relationship with him. He didn't ask for an explanation. We just said goodbye. And that was that.

There were a few times in the days and weeks that followed that I second-guessed myself. I thought I just might be going crazy.... having visions, losing my mind, pushing away love and happiness out of some sort of deep self-loathing. Then I would remember how real the dream and feelings that followed were, and I would be okay.

A month after the break-up, my phone rang at 3 am. It was him. Drunk. He had just been in an accident and was bleeding. My best friend who was my roommate at the time is a nurse and he knew it. He wanted her help. Because she was/is a saint, she went with me to help him.

He opened the door. His eyes were different, he seemed hollow. Somehow I noticed his eyes first. But after I got over that, I realized that blood was gushing out of his head and he was seriously injured. He explained that he had been drinking and been in an accident.

It's called a DUI.

But he was an attorney, and a DUI wouldn't look good for him and his professional future, so he had left the scene of his accident so he wouldn't get in trouble. We helped clean him up a bit, then took him straight to the ER. I told him I wouldn't lie for him and I didn't. The truth came out, all of it. It wasn't until then that I told him about the dream. In his drunken state, he said that when I broke up with him, he thought it was because somehow I had found out that he had been cheating on me with his client.

WHAT!?!?! He was a drunken, cheating son of a gun. Thank heavens for that dream. Thank heavens for answers to prayers. Further discussion also brought up the fact that he was anti-Mormon, even though I met him at an LDS activity, attended church with him, went to LDS-doctrine classes with him. To this day, I don't understand that aspect of it. Anti-Mormon, yet wants to pretend to be a Mormon with a Mormon girl? Don't get it.

Anyway, after more drama with police thinking I had aided a criminal, and then having to testify in court about what happened that drunken night, the whole ugly thing was behind me. And I was glad.

It's been seven years now. Obviously after that incident, I took my prayers, dreams, and relationships quite a bit more seriously. Nothing was ever that dramatic again, until the peace I felt after deciding to marry Oby. But that's for another post. I've known ever since that time how aware the Lord is of all his children. It is comforting to be in such good hands, isn't it?

I hadn't thought of this situation for ages, until last night when I got a phone call. It was my mom telling me to turn on the news, that they were going to be doing a story about something that might interest me. And so I paused my DVR, anxiously awaiting what might be so interesting.....

Attorney faces judge for 5th time on his own DUI charges

100 pounds heavier, 5 DUI's later, he's now in jail. Sad.

There's more about the story here if you're interested.

I dodged a bullet there, wouldn't ya say?

Please don't misunderstand my story. I don't claim to be prophetic, but extremely humble and reminded of how much the Lord loves his children, protects them, helps them, directs them. Even though it was hard to see a person I once cared for making poor choices and letting his potential go to waste, it was a good reminder to me of the power of prayer. Never, ever underestimate the power of prayer and the love of the Lord.

Nana's Kitchen

Today we spent time at Chloe's Nana's kitchen for some fun Halloween traditions: decorating sugar cookies and making/eating caramel corn. {{If you don't know Nana, you should get to know her at her blog. }} Here's a peak into our fun times!....