I blame it on the flu.
I've been feeling negative, maybe a little depressed.
But it all started with the flu.
Because of the flu, I was lying around a lot, bored. I started watching Gilmore Girls on dvd. (Don't knock it til you try it, it's one of the most well-written, funny and insightful shows, in my personal opinion). For those of you who don't know, the show is about a mother and a daughter who come from an elite family, but choose to live a more simple life in a small town.
So about one episode in, I started feeling sorry for myself. I was watching this mother get to do all these things with her daughter that I probably will not get to do. At first, it was just a little nagging feeling of self-pity. But one episode, the daughter was talking to her mom about all these feelings she was having and I just started to cry.... Chloe can't tell me what she's feeling. She can't talk. It made me sad. Most mothers would be thrilled to think of having complete control of their teenage daughters, and not having to listen to their teenage daughters talk back to them. To not have to worry about curfew, dating, whatever, but while I was watching this show, all I could think was how much I wanted Chloe to be able to do these things! It broke my heart.
And so I wallowed in my sadness for nearly a week. Today I'm just about feeling better and decided I better snap out of my bad habits and negative feelings. I took Chloe for a walk/jog. About five minutes in, my feet started hurting so bad from the neuromas and all the negative feelings just flooded my head again. I knew all the negativity was ridiculous, but I just couldn't help it!
I was jogging around a park, watching all these parents play with their children who were doing things that Chloe can't do, and all hope that things will change and improve aside, she most likely never will be able to do many of these things. My feet hurt - bad. But I wanted to keep jogging because I do NOT want to be fat anymore! AND to top things off, I had to pee and was running AGAINST the wind. I kept thinking about the wind and how it was like all these things in my life that I wish I could change. WHY do you we have to run AGAINST the wind? Why is there wind at all? Why can't things just be easy sometimes? Poor, pitiful me. If you could have got inside my head, you would quickly have left, it was not a good place to be.
And then. I saw it. A mom was helping her toddler son fly a kite. I paused to watch them and have a drink. She was showing her son how he needed to let the wind catch the kite so it could fly. He tried and tried and finally -- the wind allowed the kite to fly, higher and higher it went! He was ecstatic and squealing with delight! I couldn't help but smile right along with them.
I get it. I've learned it before. I've snapped myself out of negative feelings before. I understand that we have to have adversity to grow and become stronger and that it really will help take us to a better place. I wish I never had the negativity, though. I wish I could just overcome that natural tendency and just always feel positive, see the beauty in trials, and persevere. But I'm human and imperfect, so I guess I just have to forgive myself and move on.
On the jog home, I was running WITH the wind and Chloe was squealing with delight the entire time! I noticed how beautiful and blue the sky was. Guess I just needed that object lesson from a little boy and his kite.
Next time the wind blows, I hope my spirit rises to the occasion.