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11.20.2008

Dear Nosy Onlooker,

I know you're watching me. You're everywhere. I pray for a positive outlook on my situation and I find it. But then I have moments. Moments when you onlookers just look at me funny and make me feel negative, not about my daughter's handicaps, but about you. Moments when, for some unknown reason, you feel the need to tell me that I must be doing something wrong because my child doesn't seem to be doing things the way you see most other children doing them. Duh! Don't you think I know that??? She's doing things differently because she is different.

Like the time at Old Navy when Chloe was arching her back really hard. She does this because she has a neurological disorder. Some days it's worse than others. This day it was really bad. I left my house in a hurry because I felt couped up and stressed out from one of her bad days and I forgot her stroller. This was unfortunate because she can't hold her head up, let alone her body, so she isn't able to sit in a cart. So I walked around Old Navy, browsing at clothes, and literally wrestling with my daughter's arching body. It was a fight with her and a struggle with my emotions because every time she arched, I felt that ache in my heart - something is wrong with her and I can't fix it. You had no idea what was going on, I know this. But for some reason you, Nosy Onlooker, you insisted on shooting unfriendly glances my way for a few minutes, then coming up to me to tell me I should just put my daughter in a cart. What I wanted to do: slap you silly and tell you to mind your own business. What I actually did: looked at you with a frustrated stare, then turn and walk away.

Then the time at the outlet mall. Chloe was wearing hand braces to help hold her thumbs and fingers in proper place since she is unable to do so on her own. You were working and making small talk. You told me my son was cute. I let that slip, since my beautiful daughter was wearing a green shirt and her bald little head didn't have a bow on it that day. I wanted to be polite so I just let it go, even though I wanted to say, "Duh. The green shirt has glittery silver lines on it. Do boys wear shirts with glittery silver lines? And hello, she's wearing capris! C'mon now, you're a guy - do you wear capris???" But no, I'm a nice person. I just smiled and didn't want to make you feel dumb. So I let it go and let you keep thinking my adorable little girl was an adorable little boy. No biggie. Then you had to go and ask, "What are those funny bracelets he's wearing?" Okay. That's it. I let your ignorance go for awhile, but, Nosy Onlooker, you have crossed the line. And really, you still think she's a boy, but you're asking about bracelets? Oh my do you have a lot to learn. So this time I go with my instincts and I react curtly. It's not usually my style, but you have pushed my limits. "My daughter has physical disabilities. These aren't bracelets. They are braces." Then I leave the store, and leave you stumbling over your words. I feel bad for you, really I do. But honestly, what was I supposed to say???

Yesterday was one of those blissful days, where love and gratitude filled my heart. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky. Chloe was being delightful and we ran errands. We stopped in at Costco. I grabbed the jumbo-sized Costco cart. I got out my handy-dandy infant car seat and clicked it in to the cart. I sat my extra-long (98 percentile) 18-month-old in the car seat. I immediately burst into laughter at the site. Her head is sneaking up over the top. Her legs are dangling over the bottom. It is quite a site. I know this. But it works for us. She can't sit up, so I use the infant carrier when we go shopping. I stroll gaily through the large aisles, humming songs and chatting with Chloe. I am so happy, nothing can change that. Then you come into the picture, Nosy Onlooker. I notice you gawking, but I ignore it. Then I see you walk toward me, out of your way, and come up to share your opinions. I try to find somewhere to run because I know what's coming and I don't want you to ruin my happy day. But there's nowhere to hide and you manage to get out the ignorant statement, "Your daughter really is much too large for that carseat. You should get one that is the proper size. It is unsafe to have her in that carseat." I don't know how to respond, I'm at a loss for words. This gives you time to throw in another dagger. "And did you know she can sit in the cart? If you're worried about germs, they make little covers you can put over the handles so she doesn't get germs." I'm flabbergasted that you think I'm the dumb one. I'm speechless. I want you to walk away, but you stay, insisting on a response. I envision picking up the Costco-sized fruit platter I'm standing by, and lugging it at your head. I start to smile as I think of your body covered with grapes and pineapples. I snap out of my daydream, and you're still standing there!... just insisting on a response. So I decide this is not my problem and I'm not going to respond in a way that will make me feel guilty and ruin my happy day. So I smile and simply say, "My daughter has special needs. She has a proper car seat. We only use this one when we're shopping. I wish she could sit in the cart, but she's not able to hold her body up." I continue smiling and nodding as you are finally at a loss for words, then I go on my way thinking, 'Poor, poor Nosy Onlooker.'

I wish you thought before speaking. I wish you realized that everything is not as it seems and you just don't know everything like you think you do. I wish you understood that some things are just none of your business in the first place, and you have no place to tell complete strangers what they should or should not be doing. But as out of line as I think you are, 95% of the time, I will smile and nod and explain politely that my daughter has special needs. I know this will make you feel dumb, but really that is the best response I can think of. In the future, though, please just keep your uninformed opinions to yourself! Know this, that not all children are the same and not all parents are yearning for your completely uneducated advice. Please forgive me if I seem curt, but I just don't know how else to respond to you. I will try to be as polite as possible, but my situation can be frustrating as it is, and your impoliteness just adds to the frustration. It would be wise of you to follow the advice of William Penn. "If thou thinkest twice before thou speakest once, thou speakest twice the better for it."

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog this morning. I'm sorry that people that people go out of their way to make an already stressful situation even more stressful for you. Your little girl is beautiful though...Love the little flowers in the slideshow.

Jamie

Queenie Jeannie said...

Oh Honey! You are such a strong, brave woman. I'm so proud of you!!! Thank you for sharing your life with us - the good and the hard parts. You have opened our eyes and our hearts. Little Chloe has started her own ministry, and at such a tender young age!!!! Please try to remember that when people are being ignorant. Like Jesus said, "they know not what they do!".

Hugs!

Heather M. said...

I'm so so sorry people treat you this way! You're right, it's none of their business!! Big hugs to you!

The Norseth Family said...

Oh Tara, I love you and your darling little boy, I mean girl. Can't wait to see ou guys.

Debie Napoleon said...

Stopping by to visit a fellow SITsa and lend some support. You certainly made me think - and now keep my mouth shut even more that I already do.

Mrs. Bennett said...

I think your responses to the stupid people are completely appropriate. I would be mean and probably swear at them, then throw the fruit!

Cheryl said...

Don't you just hate stupid people, especially those who fancy themselves experts on child-rearing, and even more, experts on child-rearing and WHO DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU?

I say, fuck 'em all!

Ryan.Kendra.Makenzie.Tracker said...

You are soo amazing Tara. You are such an amazingly strong mommy to have to hear such dumb hurtful things. You handle them so great- I hope they learn. Chloe is amazing- beautiful and so much like anyone else other than that extra little specialness she has. She is this amazing little angel that for some reason has to teach other nosy onlookers a leason! You are so adorable and so is Chloe. I cant wait to hang out!

Unknown said...

I'm sorry you have to endure those types of ignorant comments and looks. People seriously need to be more considerate.

Jeri Dawn said...

Yeah, it's funny that people think they need educate the world on issues that they have no idea about. When Sierra was a baby I went to the fair. Sierra had a full head of black beautiful hair, big baby eyes...people sometimes thought she was a doll. Anyway, here I was with my beautiful baby all dressed in pink with the biggest pink bow that ever existed, and an old guy walks up and says, "That's sure a cute little boy you have there." I honestly laughed out loud. Before I had kids I was so worried about whether people would be able to tell if they were boys or girls...but I soon realized that their absolute idiocity is not really my concern. Good luck and remember, you are the one with the upper hand--it's your choice and your power to allow them to ruin your day! But if you ever need a hug, I'm a short drive away.

The Pachuilo Family said...

I agree people should just keep there comments to themselves. I think you handle the situation great, I would be so rude and tell them to mind there own buisness. I sound like a mean girl, but really i'm not.

Kimberly @ Seriously Daisies said...

I can not even believe the things people have the nerve to open their mouth and say! Chloe is an amazing little girl, and you are an amazing mother to her!

Merinda Reeder said...

Thanks for sharing. I think a lot of us don't think sometimes - don't see the whole picture in so many different situations. I think I'll try to give the benefit of the doubt more this week - even on the road. :)

Crista said...

Some people just don't understand about disabilities. I know its frustrating though. I'm definitely not a nosy onlooker, I just smile and say hello like I do everyone else. I don't think people should be giving out unwanted advice but they do (especially the older folks). I would just take it like a grain of salt and move on.

Nana said...

Tara,
I read that stupid, igorant, rude people are from Uranus. We must be kind to them. It is hard living in Uranus. From what I understand they don't get out much and it's dark damp and smelly in Uranus. When they are able to escape into our world they do not have the ability to act like rational kind human beings. Really it's not there fault. I'm going to write a paper on this so people will understand.

Anonymous said...

Its so hard when everyone wants to tell you how to do take care of your child, or whatever they feel needs their advice.

You are so strong because I know you have to go through it more then most people which make it so inspiring to read your blog.

Cassoulet Cafe said...

You were above me on SITS....this post is really....WONDERFUL.

My friend has an autistic son, and many, many times she has called me crying because of stupide words or stares from "Nosey Onlooker". Someone even threatened to call the police because she had to restrain her son in public to calm him down (that was comforting to him, common with autism).

I feel for you and I promise I am not a Nosey Onlooker. :)

Hugs,
Cassoulet Cafe

Aunt Julie said...

A lot of folks are Just Plain Stupid, aren't they? Good for you for being strong. Hey there, SITSta, I've got a Great Giveaway Goin' On. Please drop by my place to Check. It. Out!

CreativeMish said...

People can be cruel without even knowing it. You must be a very special person to be blessed with a special daughter. God knew that you would be able to handle the challenge and give her the love and attention she needs. Some people just don't understand that and have pitty. I admire you.

CreativeMish said...

People can be cruel without even knowing it. You must be a very special person to be blessed with a special daughter. God knew that you would be able to handle the challenge and give her the love and attention she needs. Some people just don't understand that and have pitty. I admire you.

Super Fun Mama said...

Reading this I was moved to tears, not because I'm sad for you but because of your level of grace. I just stopped by here after you were mentioned on another blog but I can tell you are an admirable woman.

Ash said...

I always have to remember my dear hubby's saying, ala "Sixth Sense" - I see dumb people.

Sadly they're everywhere and no one has tatooed their foreheads with a warning for the rest of us. A shame really.

You're a wonderful mother.

Em

Brittany said...

Ok I found your blog from a blog you and I both stalk. Very funny. You are a VERY good writer. I love this post!!!! I love this post!!!! Did I mention I love this post? Seriously. I have a daughter with special needs as well and for reals, those nosy onlookers? Well they deserve it when I make them feel like they should crawl into a hole. That was very funny. And the fruit platter? Yes my friend. I love this post!!!

Jen said...

Prayers for you and Chloe tonight and prayers for the ignorant people!!

Blessings,
Jen

Sunny Shell said...

Hello dear sister,

Thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving a kind comment. I hope the Advent devos encourage you! :-)

Also, I've been one of those Nosy Onlookers and I must say, I've been very convicted! Of course, I've never said anything, b/c I just don't think it's any of my business.

I guess, coming from a Nosy Onlookers view, sometimes we think that the kids are not being disciplined and that's why they scream and have fits (not to say that that doesn't legitimately happen), but I thank you for sharing this b/c it's really helped me to see things from your perspective.

In the future I will be praying for the mom and if I can, offer any help...or a hug. :-)

Thank you for opening my eyes and helping me see something I was never aware of before!

May the Lord our God guide you and bring you peace as you raise your darling daughter in the love and admonition of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Bless you dear sister,
Sunny

Spring M Fricks said...

Oh wow,this was so good. I know it was a point of venting frustration for you but it was so good and very well written.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I walk with a cane. My husbands laughs at how frustrated I get at having to explain my disability not on a daily basis but almost on an hourly basis depending on where we are. Sometimes I just want to stay home and avoid the looks.

My best friend has a son who was born without an ear and she refuses to cut his hair so she doesn't have to explain.

People forget that when the are being nosy, they are doing it for the first time but we are hearing it for the zillionth time and it gets old. I suppose it is a continued opportunity for us to show God's mercy, grace and love.

Your daughter is a gift. I know you will cherish her always.

Heatherlyn said...

I read this post and I feel almost as speechless as your nosy fellow-shoppers, even though I hadn't said anything. I believe that you are right to tell them what you do. I'm sorry. People either seem to make things easier or harder. At least you don't have to see them again. :)

kalea_kane said...

You do have an absolutely beautiful daughter. :) Tell anyone anything you want. My neice has special needs from a shunt in her brain to hearing aids. When she was born they thought she would be resigned to a vegitative state. She graduated from high school three years ago. She was born with dislocated hips and spent her first year of life in a cast from her hips to her ankles. She walks. She had an operation on the shunt when she was 17 and the doctor screwed up causing her to have a seizure (while operating on her brain), she had to be put into a coma, she survived. My neice will never be "normal" but she also will never be average. We still get looks (my neice can be loud due to her hearing loss), but we just set people straight. They don't know so we tell them.

Your daughter is lovely and she is blessed. You are a wonderful and patient mom (patient for not bopping any of those people in the head). :)

Enjoy your special day!!!!

Kelly

A SITSa

Shosh said...

that was beautifully written

Anonymous said...

Beautifully said. Oh how I wish everyone could read this post!!

Angela said...

I think your daughter has the "normal" look so people just don't realize she has her very own normal. We have custody of my stepson who is Intellectually Disabled (the new politically correct term for MR)but to look at him you would think he is "normal" so people have their own "special" little comments about his actions or us treating him like a 4th grader instead of a 14yr old ~ ok nosy onlooker yes he has a 14yr old body, his gross motor skills are normal and he looks like the average 14 yr old but looks can be deceiving b/c his "mental"capacity is that of a 3rd or 4th grader!!

antibloggedy said...

well said.

Cathy said...

You have a beautiful daughter...her face just lights up when she smiles! As for the "nosy onlookers"....you handle it much better than I would!

WheresMyAngels said...

Oh have I ever been there!

The worst is when they shock you so much that you are wordless. Like the time I was talking with a woman while Mercede was having surgery. When she finds out I have two kids with down syndrome she says "You PEOPLE (yes she did) just don't think. What is going to happen to them when you are dead!" I'm still mad that I didn't say a word back to her because I was so shocked.

Stephanie said...

Very beautifully written! Your daughter is glows when she smiles and it's plain to see that she's very loved.

Some people really are ignorant when it comes to some things....I just don't get it. I loved this post, you are blessed in a huge way! I will definitely be following you. ;)

Keep speaking your mind!!

Unknown said...

I was truly humbled by your strength and your obvious love for Chloe - she looks adorable and radiant in the pictures at the side bar.
I can't imagine how it must be to walk a day in your shoes, but my prayers are with you :)

Simmons' Party of Five said...

AS IF!! Do we just look like we want you to come up and butt in to our life and tell us everything we are doing wrong, or ask questions to satisfy your curiousity? You are a much better person than I, I am immediately on the attack when people stare or give unwanted advice about my kids. I wouldn't pretend to know what it is like to be anybody other than me. Warrior Mom, my prayers and love to you and your beautiful Chloe. Thanks for sharing your life

www.AForestFrolic.typepad.com said...

Oh don't you just love it when people butt into your business! I think you are handling these situations perfectly...

L2L said...

Had a few extra moments this morning so I thought I would rumble around in your archives, Well said!!!

Emily Heizer Photography said...

This is VERY much after the fact, but I did want to say this. It is very likely that people will continue to approach you and your daughter for YEARS to come. People are curious, they are innocent, ignorant and worried on your behalf. Although the woman upset you, she only had good intentions. She was concerned for Choloe's safety.

When someone appracohes you, rather than getting upset, or being short, take it as an opportunity to teach them, both about her condition, and about approaching strangers and their children. Nothing but good can come from raising awareness to our special children, who can't speak or fight on their own behalf... Better that she walk away with knowledge, rather than continue on in ignorance.

JMTC...