Here's the deal: she is spoiled. I hate to make excuses, and should just admit that I'm a bad mother who has spoiled her child, but let me just explain a little bit.
The first five-six months of her life, something was terribly wrong with her, and because we didn't know what it was at the time (colic, MY EYE!), we just held her and held her and rocked her and cuddled her and pampered her every need 24 hours a day every single day. What was I supposed to do.... intuitively know something was severely wrong, and just let her cry it out on her own? Is that what you would have done?
Okay, so excuses out of the way, she has had her seizures and tummy issues under control for about two years now, but the ground rules were set in those first few months of life - or so she thinks. In her mind, she should be held ALL the time (even during naps and sleeping), her every desire should be met immediately on demand, and if it isn't, well.... everyone within a 10-mile radius is going to know about her discontent.
And it's actually gotten worse in the past couple of weeks. My opinion, and it is shared with her ABM practitioner, is that because of the ABM therapy and her brain being stimulated, she is more aware of her surroundings, more in tune with what she wants, but because she is still unable to communicate what she wants, or get up and walk to get what she wants, then her frustration and emotions are increased. Needless to say, I want to rip my hair out. Showering, doing dishes, sweeping, mopping, making lunch, making dinner, making the beds.... pretty much everything I try to do throughout the day, sends Chloe into an uncontrollable fit.
Part of this is the fact that she is 2-years-old, and she's acting her age. But trust me, it is MUCH worse and much more frequent than a typical terrible two's tantrums (say that ten times fast).
So today, I decided to try something new - something out of my comfort zone - and it was hard. After a ridiculous fit while I vacuumed, and an even worse fit while I did some dishes, I sat down to give her a snack and some bottle, and she was glad. But then for no apparent reason, she started throwing a fit. I played our typical guessing game, where I offer about a million things, trying to figure out what she wants until I get it right. Well, ya know what, I decided she needs to learn to ask nicely and be more patient, so I told her so, and put her in time out in her room.
I know, I'm a bad mom. At least that's what I thought as I sat out on the couch, close to tears, thinking I was just too mean of a person to be allowed to mother a special needs child. How could I get mad at her for not communicating, when she has been diagnosed with Apraxia that makes communication impossible?!? But I decided to stay firm. She has to learn sometime in life to be patient with others and herself as we all try to work around this communication issue. She cried for about 90 seconds.
THEN .... silence.
This scared me half to death. Did she cry so hard that she suffocated on her tears? I scurried into her room to find.....
She had scooted herself over to her butterfly blanket and stuffed animals. She was happy as a lark.
Okay, so was this a successful disciplinary action or a complete failure? Are children who are in trouble allowed to have fun? I just don't know...... What am I going to do with Chloe? She's too cute to discipline, but I have to get control of my life at some point. Any suggestions??? I'm wide open to advice!
19 comments:
Tara, you are a FABULOUS mom! :0)
i think this is fairly common for kids with special needs. they get so much attention - they just don't understand. plus, like you said, she's two.
i think you did the absolute right thing. it's time to toughen up. get over her being cute! lol! cute has nothing to do with growing up to be a good person.
because not only do you want her to be healthy and safe, you also want her to be a superb human being, which means knowing her limits, not being overly demanding, etc etc.
now was your attempt a complete success? does it matter?? you stood your ground and you clearly saw that NO, she did NOT suffocate on her own tears! :) she was fine and you began setting limits. it's a good start.
you are a PHENOMENAL mother!
<3
Sounds like the discipline worked to me. I think it is part of the cooling down! All my kids have done that some more than others. Ben who is 12 almost 13 still gets sent to his room for the same reason you sent Chloe! What ever works!
You are a great mom!!!
Discipline can be hard with our children with disabilities. I remember the first time I had to put Junior on time out for throwing a tantrum.
One thing that helps Junior is that I tell him it is okay to yell in frustration but he may not yell at me. If he yells at me then I leave the room until he calms down.
You're a GREAT mom!! It's hard to stay firm the first time!! But you did it... YAY!! The first time I put Maddie in time out I put her in her crib, she was 2ish, and she cried the whole time. When I went in to get her she was singing through her little sobs "lead me, guide me, walk beside me..." yep I felt like mother of the year!! But she started to learn the rules, just like Chloe will, as long as you are consistent!! Good luck!!:)
That is SO hard! I have a hard time discipling my dog, I can't imagine trying to dicipline a child!
(I am hoping to be able to meet Chloe when we have class. Hoping. hoping...)
PS That was a hint
I think you're an amazing mother. As for suggestions, I don't have any, I think mothering a special needs child is completely different than mothering regular children.
It sounds like you did the right thing though. She calmed down and you got a little break too :)
Agh, I am dealing with the same thing with Dakin right now. It must just be a special needs kiddos thing--I think when they're only children, we have a tendency to love on them a LOT. Sigh. If you come up with a solution, let me know!
I really think it is a 2yo old thing. Austin is doing that A LOT lately..it irks me to no end. But like you finally yesterday I had it. So I sat him on the ground in his room and he stayed there and cried for about a minute. Then he was ok. The only think you may want to tweak is not to put her in the crib, but in another safe place. That way she doesn't associate the crib with being "punished" and it will stay her HAPPY place. Good luck hun!
I am so happy to read about Chloe doing ABM therapy and how much it is helping her. I spoke with mom today (Grandma Bennett) and she was so happy she was almost in tears about hearing how much Chloe has improved. We love that little angel so much...give her a big squeeze for me.
Hey,
Thanks for your sweet comments and resources you left on my blog. I appreciate it.
It's not unique to special needs. It's not unique to 2- year olds.
It's not unique.
Probably you were in more anguish than Chloe.
Appropriate discipline is hard. I have a hard time remembering sometimes that I'm to discipline Lizzy for her benefit; not for my revenge... or whatever.
Not to satisfy my anger, but to help her realize, think, learn, and choose better.
It's tough; but it's very important for Chloe's personal development.
You're a rock star, and a good mom.
I would say SUCCESSFUL. That little stink needs to know she can't just scream and have us all running in circles. (which you know we all do) I think you did the right thing and it looks like she is perfectly capable of amusing herself for who knows how long?
She is too cute for her own good!!
She also is very smart, she knows whats up.
Tara--I have 2 kids, 3 1/2 and 21 months, they aren't special needs, and still it's hard to discipline them. However, I did babysit a special needs child years ago, she was also unable to communicate verbally, what I learned was that her parents would hold her all of the time, and play the guessing games, which at times are needed. BUT, Chloe also needs to find her way to communicate and self-soothe. It sounds like what you did was perfect. Chloe didn't do something horribly wrong that deserved strict punishment. Here's an example--if my son hits my daughter, he's in the corner for a set amount of time because that was bad. If he doesn't get his way and cries he goes to his room (he's 21 months), while he's in his room he normally stops crying and starts playing with toys etc...self soothing, he knows crying won't get him whatever he wanted. I'm not sure I'm explaining it very well...I think that you are teaching Chloe that while you love her to pieces, she can't have everything she wants so when you put her in her room she found something to make her happy, and maybe she will start to learn that she can make herself happy or she might find ways to help you understand what she is wanting.
Also as Moms we know our kids crys, the "I'm hurt" cry is different from the "I'm mad at you give me this now" cry even if Chloe can't tell you what she wants she knows in her head.
You are an amazing Mom! I think, just from your blog, that you've done a wonderful job--Chloe is one of the happiest special needs children I've ever seen. So next time you have to put her in "time out" remember that--she loves you, you love her!
Dont consider it discipline...but a time out for her to calm down...and calm down she did! The communication issues can be so frustrating...for parents and the kids. Kennedy used to be held a lot too when she was little...She was able to learn a few signs and that really helped...and I did the crying it out at night, cause I just needed to sleep. Zach was even tougher...he had the physical ability to talk, but with this is where the autism really showed for him. He did tons of head banging, which it took a good 4 years for him to be able to communicate enough that he doesnt barely do it anymore! Its a long road...and you have to trial and error different things to get through the frustrations.
Oh Tara you are a wonderful mother and I have loved learning from you!! I really think you did the right thing!! It is ok that she was happy after it!! That really tells you that there isn't anything wrong and she understands fine!! :)
Tucker was our only child until he was 5, he recieved lots of attention and care!! He was also the only Grandchild on both sides for awhile so he was extra spoiled! And still holds a special place in Grandmas heart so he never lacks love!! He really never had tantrums until he was older and there were s and even then not like my other two have. But I will never forget having to stand my ground with him!! It was the hardest thing to do!! I cried and cried and felt like a horrible mother but I knew at some point he had to learn for him to grow to a healthy adult and for my sanity!!
I know that have special needs really makes it harder to discipline them then my other children and sometimes wonder if I am expecting too much. We have really had a hard time knowing where the line is but have learned to pay attention to my heart. If I feel he can do it I push him to do so. Those are the hardest days ever but when he accomplishes and succeeds there is nothing more rewarding for both of us!!!
Don't know if that helps but I really think you are doing the right thing and you are amazing!! I look to your example all the time!! Also yes you are welcome to use my post about the races! It really was an amazing day!! Sometimes you need those days to heal your soul!! It was a healing day for us for sure!! Let me know if you need anything!! Thanks Tara!!
I was going to try to give you some advice, but after reading all the comments, all I can say is that I agree with everyone else! :D
In the end, Chloe was happy and mommy was happy. I would say SUCCESS all the way around!
hmmmmm, where to begin on this one?
well, betsy was in the same perdicament at 2 and 3. no verbal skills, no signs, no walking, not even crawling. the fits were horrible. but, as parents, we all have a breaking point. no harm, no foul.
last year at betsy's IEP meeting, i was told that she was too spoiled. the news was broken to me in a very professinal way, but i was well aware of what they were telling me. she was hard to discipline.
i don't have regrets, though. i would probably treat her the exact same way if i had to do it over again.
i CAN tell you that it gets better. NOT completely, but better.
betsy has some signs now, and an augmentative communication device, and has been walking for a little over a year now, and that helps, but i think the age thing helps, too. she seems more patient, and seems to know when that patience is best put to good use.
things can get chaotic around here with three other kids, but she does her best to manange. sometimes, though, when she is REALLY upset, if i take her on the couch and cuddle her for awhile, all is right with the world. and, in a lot of ways, all kids are like this. they all want to be loved, snuggled, 'listened' to.
my dad always says that you give more of your strength to the 'weakest' link. maybe he's right. they depend on that form us.
and, yes, it's exhausting, and sometimes VERY inconvenient, but our needs vacated the building the day they were put in our arms. but, you know all this. ;)
you did NOTHING wrong, and in the end, i think she was trying to tell you just that when you found her happy and snuggled with her 'friends'.
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