Thankful For You & Me

Ever since one of my heroes from the special needs mommy blogger community, Ellen, did a post about how having a special needs child affects your marriage, I've had my mind on the subject. And with this week being a week of gratitude and giving thanks, I've been thinking even more about my marriage, my relationship with Oby, and how grateful I am to have him by my side.

This has been a hard year. We're still getting used to having a single income since I quit my job to take care of Chloe. We made huge financial decisions.Oby's been in school. We remodeled a house. I've thought about going back to school. I've thought about getting a job. Chloe didn't sleep until a few weeks ago. We've had to fight insurance on equipment we've needed and therapy we've wanted. We've had disappointments with Chloe, lots of tests studies done, and few answers given. We've seen her make vast improvements, only to realize we cannot afford to continue the therapy that is helping her.

But every morning when Oby heads to work, he gives me a kiss and tells me how much he loves me. And every time he does this, it gives me butterflies. And even in the midst of most disagreements, Oby makes me laugh, and that laughter takes me back to the beginning of our relationship when all we did was laugh, and makes me realize that I feel the same way about him now as I did then. And every night when it's time for bed, we laugh and talk, then he kisses me and tells me how much he loves me, and I get butterflies because I love him too.

Let me borrow a snippit of Ellen's post (used with her permission), because I feel as though I could have written it, but she did a better job than I could have done:

I can honestly say that there have been times when the stress and fatigue have been so great I have snapped at Dave for no reason at all. I can honestly say there have been times when Dave's oh-I'll-let-her-handle-it attitude has gotten to me so much I could have cheerfully clonked him. I can honestly say that there have been times when the worries about Max have been so overwhelming that I have not felt like having sex. I can honestly say there have been times when I've looked at our wedding pictures and wondered what happened to that glowingly happy couple.

I can also honestly say that our marriage still rests on a base of mutual adoration; we hold hands when we walk down the street, kiss just because, plan date nights, find other places to do things when the kids take over our bed. We respect each other's strengths: I am the researcher, the booker of appointments, the scheduler, and Dave is Silly Doting Daddy who can get Max giggling with his crazy noises and funny games and fart talents. We compensate for each other's weaknesses... We can make each other laugh, even when things get totally insane. And we have together experienced moments of amazing euphoria with Max, bursts of bliss only parents of a child with special needs could experience. Like when Max... does anything for the first time....

I do not think our marriage is stronger from raising a child with special needs. Nor do I think its roots are decaying and, like some big old oak tree, it's at risk of someday toppling over and crashing. What I know is that our marriage is solid. It's been through the worst of storms, it's survived, and while it may not be perfect it is good. We are happier together. We are tougher together. We are better for Max together. And there is love, there is always love.

I believe ALL marriages have peaks and valleys. I believe special needs marriages have steeper mountains and deeper pit falls. I believe when a special needs couple was blessed with their child, they were also blessed with a life that was out of the ordinary. I believe having a special needs child forces us as a couple to dig to a deeper place within ourselves - remember who we are as individuals and as a couple. We have been forced to strengthen ourselves just to make it up the next steep hill. It is hard, it is fun, it is a bit of an extreme sport really. But just as I wouldn't trade Chloe for anything in the world, I also wouldn't trade the opportunity to grow within myself and grow as a couple with my amazing companion through this crazy ride. Our marriage has special needs, and making sure those needs are met is our call. We can't change it or wish it away. We have to get creative, be more patient, be more kind, remember why we fell in love, and enjoy those beautiful peaks when they come our way!