So we've known it was coming for a long time. I think I knew for several years that eventually Chloe would get a g-tube. I never really fought the idea, but I also wasn't eager about it. When she needed it, we would get it, but I felt no need to rush it.
At her check-up in May or June, I looked at her growth chart... her height was above the 100th percentile and her weight was below the 5th percentile. My heart sank... Chloe was literally starving. So we made the arrangements for the g-tube surgery for August 7th.
Chloe looked SO ADORABLE in the little hospital gown and hospital pants. Oh my goodness, my angel baby, I just adore her. She makes everything beautiful and special...
I had absolute faith in our doctors and I was in absolute peace about the whole thing. Until they asked me to come back after the surgery and I heard Chloe's desperate scream all the way down the hall. I did the rush-almost-a-jog-walk to get to her and comfort her. But it was one of those times when I couldn't comfort her. We had a near impossible time controlling her pain the entire first day. It was AWFUL and I had complete 'buyer's remorse' over the surgery. I would have taken it back if I could have on day one. BUT we survived and by day two she was already back to her happy little self. Thank goodness.
Then a life-altering event occurred.
Chloe slept. Like a rock. For 5 nights in a row.
After the 3rd night, I allowed myself to dream about what it would be like if she started sleeping, if all of us could start getting good sleep.... I allowed myself to see life completely differently. This might seem so dramatic, but not getting good sleep for over 5 years is absolutely the biggest challenge I have ever been asked to face. It is hard on me, hard on Oby, hard on our marriage, and affects every single thing we do (or try but fail to do). So there I was, picturing life being 'normal' for a few days.
Then it the dream shattered. She went back to sleeping poorly and only sleeping 2 nights a week.
And it broke me. I mean, it broke me. I was done. I think it was going from a high to a low that did it. I can't explain it completely, but it did me in. Every single thing I ever stress about even slightly seemed an insurmountable, unsurvivable challenge that I couldn't bare to face one more day. I was done.... not sleeping, barely getting by financially, infertility, Chloe's health issues and her unknown future, not meeting any of my personal goals because of fatigue... It all became too much. Thankfully, I never have to bare these burdens alone and I didn't have to face this alone either. Oby, family, friends... they rallied around me and I was lifted up and survived. I have sought professional help as well and that is making all the difference in the world.
I don't mean to be such a drama queen. I just want and need to be honest. That is most important to me right now... to understand and accept my honest feelings so I can face and deal with them. Don't get me wrong, I still LOVE my life. I adore Oby and Chloe makes me feel a joy that anyone would be grateful to feel. I know that so many parts of my life are ideal and I would never, ever want more. Yet, there are still things that are hard, that I don't know exactly how to understand or accept that make me feel an overwhelming sadness that is nearly impossible to explain. This quote is the closest thing I've been able to find to put my feelings into words....
At the end of the day, I know that I have all I need. I have big, beautiful, all-encompassing love. I am literally surrounded and lifted up by angels. I have eternal hope and so many lovely things in my life.... but it doesn't mean that life isn't hard.
Anyway, if being honest about these feelings helps even one other person, then I'm glad to share it. I'll share more about what I've learned. Part of what I know needs to change is that I need to get back into this blog... writing is so therapeutic for me. Even if I'm the only person who reads it, I know it is what I need.