An Angel Gets Her Wings

I'm sorry, I might be overusing this concept of Chloe being a caterpillar and as she progresses with her physical development becoming a butterfly. I can't help it. It is just how I feel about my beutiful little girl and her delayed developments/handicaps. Please forgive my indulgence.

When I did THIS POST, I shared the story of another little girl who is in a wheelchair. I worded it that she was 'confined' to a wheelchair. Her angel mother commented on my post and said the following:

"There are attitudes I have adopted and rules that I stand by as I stand FOR my daughters.

"We are raised with the idea that a wheelchair is confining. One day those words were in my head, someone had used them in regard to Lucy. "Oh, poor thing, confined to a wheelchair!" I started to giggle the more I thought about it. My response, "If a wheelchair is confinement, you should see how confined she is without it."

"Without the wheels she is a caterpillar. At 8 she can barely roll over, cannot sit up on her own and cannot crawl. The wheels are Lucy's wings. She can fly and spin and stop on a dime, she can "run" 5 miles per hour and never break a sweat. Her wheelchair is her freedom."

~Rachel Coleman of Signing Times

I am so grateful for her words of wisdom. I have certainly become more open-minded to getting a wheelchair for Chloe since then. In fact, it will be a joy for Chloe to have a wheelchair to give her wings! Until then, we got Chloe a different type of wings: Butterfly wings for her Halloween costume!

I have a confession about something that happened tonight. Chloe and I were with my fabulous 7-month-old nephew, Ezekeil - we call him Zeke. He and Chloe were staring, babbling, and playing together. We put them on the floor so they could wiggle around and explore the world with each other. Zeke was rolling all over the place, he got into crawl position a few times, but didn't actuall crawl - he's still learning, and at one point we thought he might sit without help! I was so excited that he was doing so well! I was cheering him on and just thrilled.

Then suddenly, it hit me, like a bolt of lightning out of nowhere. I was sad. I work so hard with Chloe every single day to be able to accomplish the milestones Zeke was doing with little effort. I wanted to see my baby do these things more than I wanted air for my next breath. I admit, it was self-pity. I wanted life to come more easily for my little sweetheart (and of course myself), and I also wanted her to have the joy that comes from accomplishment and exploration. She was enjoying just watching Zeke do and learn new things, I couldn't help but think how much joy she could have if she could only do those things herself.

I used to have these feelings all the time, when I first found out about Chloe's condition. I have since come to a wonderful place of peace, acceptance, and even appreciation for Chloe. I realize (most of the time) that she has special abilities, and am grateful for the blessing that is for myself, my family, and just about everyone who knows little Chloe. She is able to do so much, just with her pleasant disposition, sweet smile, and big blue eyes..... she uplifts and brings joy and faith immeasurable.

I hope there is no misunderstanding here. I wouldn't call my emotions jealousy or resentment toward Zeke or my angel sister-in-law. I would possibly call it regret or sorrow for my little girl and the dreams I had for her before I was given the news that there had been a change of plans. The best explanation of my feelings can be found in THIS POST, Welcome to Holland.

On the drive home from our visit with Zeke, I was embarassed more than sad that I had experienced those feelings. Chloe was in the backseat singing to one of her favorite songs and making me smile, as usual. I was thinking of the new dreams I have for Chloe and myself, and our journey together. I realized that our journey has less to do with physical abilities, and more to do with spiritual refinement, charity, and love.

Then in my random mix of tunes on my ipod, came on the song - the perfect song for how I was feeling. I always say there is a perfect song for every memory and emotion, and this is the perfect song for today. I couldn't find the song on the playlist site, but here are the lyrics - the heart of the song.

Dream

by Angela McCluskey

Dream

There's a whole world out there

See it in front of you

and stare at the sky

believe in your life

believe in the world out there

Dream

Far away

Dream of today

And fly away

Dream

Feel your heart beat

Rise high above and

Shine like a sun

Hold your head high

I can see for miles

A million hearts on fire

And you need it to rain all night

So let tomorrow shine for you light

And go off flying without a fight

And love like we need it to live
Give love like we need it to live

Help me find you

Take my hand

We'll walk this life together

Show me your heart

Take my hand

We'll shine forever

Dream

The world is out there

See it in front of you

Go here and/or here for snippits of the song -

it is so beautiful and worth your time!

I believe in Chloe, in myself, in my husband, and in everyone around us. We all have dreams - something to seek after, something to work for, something bigger than us to believe in and hope for. Chloe's wheelchair will give her wings. I will walk for her and we'll walk through this life together. I get my wings from my faith, my wonderful companion, my angelic child, and the love of supportive family and friends.

There have been spiritual experiences that have brought me to believe that Chloe chose her infirmities to bring my husband and I closer together and closer to Christ. She is so wise and I have seen these things come to pass, and know there will be many opportunities for us to grow as a family in the future.

I am grateful for our dreams and all the things that give us wings. And I hope we can all, as the lyrics say, 'give love like we need it to live,' because really, don't we need love to live? I do.