Accidents happen even more quickly.
Chloe was being really fussy after having the pH probe tube placed. We paced the room for several hours, and finally I had to get out and try something new. So we were walking up and down the hallways of the entire hospital, and I would stop at each artwork piece and show Chloe. You'd be surprised if you do that how many wall hangings there are in a children's hospital. We did it for at least an hour and a half. Finally she seemed to be getting sleepy and was no longer fussy. We started making our way back to our room, and I decided to stop at a bathroom to take care of some business.
I put Chloe on the changing table and tinkled away while Chloe kicked away. She was kicking hard enough to make the table wiggle and this made her happy and giggly, which made me happy. Not giggly, just happy.
(I hadn't done up the straps.)
She kicked down enough that her knees caught the end of the changing table, causing her to propel forward. It was one of those things that happened in a fraction of a second, but also felt like slow motion.
She landed on her face.
I picked up her front tooth that landed on the floor (root and all), and ran back to our room (which is in the Rapid Treatment Unit, which is basically an ER).
A quick assessment showed that her lip was okay. Her nose was okay. Her head was okay. She was okay. She is going to be okay. She fell sound asleep about 20 minutes after it happened.
But the tooth. The root came out and they conferred with a dentist, who thinks it could possibly damage the adult tooth if we try to put the baby tooth back in. I may get a 2nd opinion on that, but for now that's the status. So she's going to be missing a tooth until her adult tooth comes in, which is quite a few years.
Every time she smiles, it will be a reminder to me that I didn't do up those damn straps.
I kept telling myself not to cry and not to make this about myself, but after Chloe went to sleep, I had talked to the doctors, and I was in the room looking at her and thinking about how her smile is going to be different from now on, I had a pity party, a mini-meltdown. I was embarrassed to tell Oby what happened. He, of course, was wonderful and told me that I'm a wonderful mother and that it doesn't matter. But I just wanted to go find the tallest point on the building and fling myself off of it.
I didn't want to admit to anyone what had happened, that this was 100% my fault and 100% preventable. But I decided that I needed to accept it and move on. And for me, the best way to do that is to put it out there, a confession for the world to see.
So there it is. The ugly truth.
At the moment, I don't feel like I'm a bad mother. I know that I do the best I can for Chloe. In fact, two other times today when I had to tinkle (hey, gimme a break -- I drank a LOT of Mountain Dew today to help me stay awake after being up all last night), so anyway when I used the bathroom before, I laid Chloe on the hospital bed, and made sure the side rails were up. Even though she doesn't roll, I wanted to make sure that she wouldn't fall if she did decide to roll. When I placed her on that changing table, I looked at the straps. I thought about the straps. but the changing table was literally arm's distance from where I was, so I thought it would be okay. I was wrong, and I guess I just have to deal with that fact.
I can't take it back. Holding onto regret would just be wasted energy. And if I let it affect my self-esteem as a mother, it won't make me a better mother going forward. It will make everything be about me, and that's not how it's supposed to be. So I have to pick up my wounded spirits and be ready for what's next.
I also have to keep things in perspective. Really. She's okay. It's okay.
I will also need to re-read this post about a million times until her adult tooth does come in so I can remember that I just need to let it be.......
***UPDATE***
I put this on Facebook and one of my friends said that her daughter lost a tooth last month. So I looked on her photos to see pictures of her daughter with a missing front tooth. It totally made me feel better. Not only does her daughter (princess in blue) look adorable, but check her out at her pre-school Halloween party... One of her friends also has a missing front tooth, and they're both adorable! I think it just adds character:
Now I might be able to fall asleep.
This happens to other little girls. This happens to other moms. It's okay.
19 comments:
She will be ok. The same type of thing happened to Sera. She wasn't that traumatized!!!! When Baxter was little he fell head first off a counter when he was 6 months old. We spent hours in the emergency room!!!! It will take a while but you will move past!! You are a great mom!!!
It happens. There are so many times when I think about what happened or could have happened. I am glad she is ok. You taught us all a lesson now so thank you. I will always do the straps now.
Tara, glad you chose "let it be"
when my children were so very young, I was always on a guilt trip, whe any thing happened. lol. wierd huh.
I always worried more about the gils getting hurt, but they always made it alright.
my son, ended up a marine, and the girls are sassier than ever.
BIG HUGS
"Letting it Be" actually makes you an even better mom! Teaching Chloe that when you make a mistake, you have to pick yourself up and move on teaches her to have strength and resilience, which is important for every child! Hugs!!! You are a wonderful momma!
You're right -- it is not so terrible. You are a great mom, I can tell! And who would've thought . . . .! Bless your heart! But you're also right that she will look adorable! Hang in there!
kelly
http://www.ourordinaryday.wordpress.com
This post brought tears to my eyes! You are a great mom, Tara! I can't tell you how many times I've done something just like this and think well it will be ok this time. Thanks for the reminder that safety should always come first. And thanks for being brave and telling your story. I am so glad that Chloe is ok! HUGS!!
Bobbi :)
Mother's guilt is the worst. Chloe forgives you...she's okay and that's what matters. A tooth fell out that was going to fall out anyways...so not a big deal. Forgive yourself!
That happened to Sera when she was a year and a 1/2 old. She didn't have a front tooth for a looooong time. She tripped on Grandma Schwarz patio and did a face plant.
The tooth was a gonner. The dentist put a spacer in her mouth so her teeth would all stay in the right place. That's all you need, Chloe's teeth moving around in her mouth.
Oh, what a night!!
P.S. Let it be!!! I know you, you will have a hard time letting it be. I would too, but what can you do? I have some Gorilla glue you can borrow.
Oh, I felt so bad for you reading this! But you have an awesome attitude about it and I'm sure Chloe will not hold a grudge!
Oh, and Graham lost a front tooth a couple nights ago, so they match!
I hate it when stuff like this happens. I know Chloe will still be so adorable. It will just take a little while to get used to, but you will. My nephew lost his front tooth in an accident in the bedroom closet. I don't even notice it anymore. He's still a cutie.
I hope you're able to feel better after such a sad accident! I know how you feel. It's a daily thing, this mom-guilt. I KNEW I shouldn't have let Matt jump on the stupid trampoline last weekend, but here we are, broken arm and all.
Everything will be fine. Chloe and Oby love you and they always will. You're a good mom!!
Oh that post was so tender to me. I am so sorry that happened! Accidents happen, and it doesn't make you any less wonderful :)
Tara, I think we have all experienced something close to this, and the mom-guilt is awful! When Bryant was just 1 1/2, we were sitting up to the table eating dinner and he fell off his chair. Not the highchair with buckles, which would have stopped it, a chair. You see it happening in slow motion, try to reach out and stop it, and just can't. He wound up at the ER getting stitches in his lower lip and them telling us that they didn't *think* a plastic surgeon was necessary. Um... thanks. Yea huge mom-guilt. Luckily, for some reason, if you just hold them and kiss them and say "I'm sorry and I love you", they forgive you. I wish everyone would be as forgiving as that.
Oh Tara I cried when I read this because I know how much you are beating yourself up for this and you don't need to. Accidents happen. My kids are lucky to be alive with all the stupid things I've done to them. You are such a great mother. Chloe is so lucky to have you. You would do anything for that girl. This was just one of those things that just happens. She's o.k. so just forgive yourself and forget about it. Love ya
I think all of us moms have something like this happen at some point. The one that sticks out most in my mind was with Emi when she was about 3 months old. I was in the kitchen and propped her up in the corner of the couch and walked to the other side of the room and she fell off the couch onto her head, on tile! I felt like the worst mother in the history of mothers.
I think what makes you a good mom is that you did feel so very guilty and that you did learn from the mistake. You're great, Tara, and I'm sure that Chloe has already forgotten all about it!
betsy pulled herself out of her swing when she was about 18 months because she wasn't strapped in. i never thought she would be able to do that. i felt sick about it for a long time. mostly, because i didn't give her enough credit for being able to accomplish big physical feats like that. she survived, and so did i. don't even get me started on the oopsies i had with my other kiddos! chloe's a trooper, so are you!
OH Tara I read this and instantly felt your pain!! You are such a great mom and we are not perfect but you are close!!:) She will be fine and still has a beautiful smile!!
When Tucker was 5 years old he put his feet on the fireplace to get them warm. YEP! Mike use to do this all the time with socks on not really thinking about who was watching him. The TV use to sit on top of the mantle and they would play playstation together. Mike would do this often to warm his feet. Well Mike asked me to come play also, I never play silly games. We were playing away and then Tucker puts his feet in the air and says mom look at my feet. I just froze and couldn't believe what I was seeing!! He has put his Barefoot on the fireplace glass because he said they were cold. He has no feeling in his feet so he has no idea he was burning them!!
For a VERY long time Mike and I couldn't forgive ourselves Mike realized he had put them on there because dad does it and I felt horrible because the only time I play a game and I am not paying attention to him!! He had to have skin grafts. Another surgery that should have never happened!! I felt like the worst mother in the world!! It has been 5 yrs now and he is doing great. Has scars but doing great!!
It does get better!! And you are a wonderful mother!! She will be fine and she is still so cute!!
That is a great attitude, let it be! It happens to everyone! My mom didn't strap my little sister in her high chair and she fell out and broke her leg. It was so funny to see her crawling around with this HUGE cast on her leg! It's so laughable now, so don't kill yourself over this. Things just happen!
You are the best mom Chloe could ever have!
Someone once told me that you're not really a mother until your kid rolls off the bed. This is just your moment. I once strapped Charlie in his stander and he fell out face first--I felt horrible. I don't think he even had teeth at that point though.
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